Episode six: Burnout and Wellbeing
“Here’s the really incredible thing – our nervous systems are hardwired to trigger a survival response if they detect that another nervous system close to us is in survival or crisis mode. ”
Burnout is a topic that is now being discussed more often following everyone’s experience with COVID lockdowns and isolations. However, it’s not only connected with COVID. It’s now more broadly spoken about in terms of work, school, and it’s definitely a side effect of living with a teenager in crisis.
Lifeline Harbour to Hawkesbury talks with many people experiencing burnout. One of over 40 Lifeline centres across Australia, Lifeline Harbour to Hawkesbury is a volunteer organisation that saves lives by providing vital services to the community every day.
This EPIC conversation is with Fay Bird from Lifeline Harbour to Hawkesbury. We’ve invited Fay to share with our listeners what burnout looks like, why parents need to consider how they’re feeling, and the benefits of selfcare to help those experiencing burnout.
Roberta’s top takeouts from this conversation:
Burnout is real and often has similar symptoms as depression, including lack of focus and concentration, and ongoing lethargy.
Burnout can often hit after a significantly stressful period, and triggers can be ongoing.
Parents and carers experiencing burnout need to consider how they can schedule time for themselves.
Madeleine’s top takeouts from this conversation:
Our nervous systems are hardwired to trigger a survival response if they detect that another nervous system close to us is in survival or crisis mode.
When our systems are under constant stress, and if we never push the ‘reset button’ (for example, by taking time out to care for ourselves) we can get burnt out.
Burnout affects us in 5 ways – it affects our energy, thoughts, emotions, ability to concentrate, and behaviour.
Q1. Firstly, can you please give the listeners an idea of your work at Lifeline Harbour to Hawkesbury?
F: Sure, well, on a personal level, I work as a psychologist in the clinical services arm of the organisation. So, I meet people who are referred to us by their GP, who are struggling with their mental health for various reasons, and I work with them to achieve their goals for therapy. However, Lifeline Harbour to Hawkesbury has many parts to it. As many of your listeners might know, we provide free crisis telephone support - which you can access by calling 13 11 14, texting 0477 13 11 14 or Chatting online – and these are all available 24 hours a day. We also provide community services and education, conduct group therapy programs, collect donations, run shops, and do a lot of fundraising.
M: Lifeline h2h (Harbour to Hawkesbury Sydney) is a fabulous resource for our community. The support you offer is so much more than phone support. The workshops and support groups offer therapy, connection and peer support including depression/Bipolar, suicide bereavement, hoarding disorder, managing your mood.......
Q2. Is burnout something Lifeline receives many calls about? Or does it present as something else and you are able to help callers identify they are experiencing burnout?
F: Yes, that’s a good question. Unfortunately, I’m not sure whether we receive many calls about burnout, because I don’t work on the phones. But we certainly see clients who are experiencing this issue in our clinical work. And they are not usually aware of this to begin with. Here’s the thing, the symptoms of burnout are very similar to the symptoms of depression. So, when we first see people with burnout, they’ve usually been referred to us for treatment for depression. Now one thing we do when we start therapy, when we are trying to understand the depression… what might have triggered it and what might be keeping it going… is to create a timeline that records significant events in the person’s life, both before and after their symptoms started, and also corresponding fluctuations in mood. And this information will sometimes suggest that a person is experiencing burnout rather than depression per se. So, in answer to your question, yes, we can help our clients identify and understand when their symptoms are caused by burnout. I should say that when we use the that word, ‘burnout’, we are referring to what happens when we feel so drained by the stresses associated with what we are called upon to do each day, that we become completely depleted. And that’s on every level: emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
R. That’s a great summary of burnout, thank you. I imagine most parents/carers experience these symptoms on and off regardless of crisis.
Q3. What are the symptoms of burnout that parents experiencing challenges with their teens might be experiencing?
F: Burnout affects us in 5 ways – it affects our energy, thoughts, emotions, ability to concentrate, and behaviour.
If we think about energy first, one of the things parents might notice is that they are starting to feel totally exhausted. They might feel tired all the time or drained, and be struggling to get through each day. They may always wake up tired and struggle to get out of bed in the morning, or to get going. They might find that their motivation to do things is really low.
In terms of thoughts, burnout causes these to become more negative, pessimistic, anxious and cynical. So, parents experiencing burnout might start to think things like, “I’m a bad parent” “I’m a bad person”, “why am I struggling, what’s wrong with me?”, “I’m letting my child down”, “my child is going to be like this forever”, “the family will never recover”, “things will never improve”, “no one can help”, “the situation is hopeless”, “what will happen if things get worse and can’t cope?”
Burnout also causes emotions to become more negative. So, parents might notice that they are starting to feel unhappy, anxious, isolated, lonely, ineffective, empty, angry, resentful, stressed, overwhemed, disillusioned, guilty, ashamed, trapped, helpless and hopeless.
As burnout affects concentration, parents might find that they are struggling to focus and remember things.
And, finally, as a result of all these things, parents might notice that they are staying in bed longer, loosing interest in activities they previously enjoyed, distancing themselves from other people, ignoring their own needs, coping in harmful ways (for example, using alchohol), responding critically or insensitively to others, and avoiding or giving up on tasks.
M. Thank you Fay. This is going to validate parents unhelpful thoughts of not being a great parent and plant the seed that there are ways to overcome these feelings.
Q4. What can cause burnout in parents?
Well, before answering this question, I would just like to acknowledge that parenting a young person is never easy – but parenting a young person who is in crisis and experiencing mental health difficulties is a particularly difficult road to travel. It’s natural to feel distressed when our children are distressed. We love them, and we want the best for them.
Here’s the thing though, as human beings, we all have a nervous system that is designed to pick up on cues of safety and danger. If our nervous system senses that we are safe, it will activate the parasympathetic nervous system which causes our blood pressure, heart rate, and rate of breathing to all go down. When this happens, we start to feel relaxed and we can focus on doing things we enjoy – like being playful and connecting with other people. Now, if our nervous system senses danger, it will sound the alarm and trigger a survival response – fight, flight, or freeze – in order to increase our chances of survival.
But, here’s the really incredible thing – our nervous systems are hardwired to trigger a survival response if they detect that another nervous system close to us is in survival or crisis mode.
That makes sense right?The quicker you can respond to danger, the more likely you are to survive.
But, let’s just take a moment to consider the implications …. If we have child who is in crisis, we are hardwired to go into a survival response. We might go into flight – so feeling panicky, shaky, overwhelmed, a need to move, a need to escape. We might go into fight – where we try to fix things, apply pressure, maybe raise our voice. Or we might become rigid with fear and feel incapable of doing anything.
Because of this simple fact, that nervous systems listen to and respond to each other, it’s easy to end up in a situation where we have two nervous systems that are creating a feedback loop – telling each other to continue to hit the panic button
Now, the good news is that it’s possible to develop awareness of when we have been triggered into flight or fight, and to learn and apply strategies and skills to help calm our system and manage the situation
But, to come back to your question, the upshot of all this is to say that, if you have a child who is often in crisis, your entire system may well be in survival mode, and therefore stressed, a lot of the time.
And when the system is under constant stress, and if we never push the ‘reset button’ (for example, by taking time out to care for ourselves) we can get burnt out.
R. This makes so much sense! and thank you for acknowledging that parenting a young person is never easy. It is helpful for parents to be aware it’s not just them that is finding it challenging. Understanding the academic reasons for our (or my!) automatic, sometimes unhelpful responses can creates an awareness that can help regulate the process.
Q5. How can burnout impact the relationship a parent or carer has with their teenager?
F. Well, when are tired and exhausted, little trivial things, like, for example, leaving clothes on the floor, are much more likely to irritate us, right? And if our batteries are completely flat, we aren’t very likely to feel like engaging in fun activities with our teen. The other thing is that the negative mindset that accompanies burnout can end up creating resentment and blame, and this can lead to carers taking out their frustrations out on their teen.
These little things can then add up and build into bigger fights. And when we are having lots of fights, trust, closeness, and communication can start to breakdown.
M. It’s so good to have it spelt out by a professional. It’s obvious when it’s verbalised but sometimes parents might not have the capacity to take a breath and see it while they are living it.
Q6. What is self care and how important is it to help manage burnout?
Well self-care means, basically, giving yourself what you need to stay well: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
Another way to look at self-care is to imagine that we all have our own stress buckets. And, these buckets are different sizes based on our own particular make-up. So, some people may have a large bucket, which means that they can hold a lot of stress before their buckets starts to overflow. But other people may have a small bucket that can’t hold much stress at all before it overflows. Now, imagine that theres a tap at the bottom of each person’s bucket, that can be turned on to let the stress flow out. Self-care is the way that we turn that tap on. And someone with a smaller bucket will need to turn their tap on more often, to reduce the amount of stress in the bucket and keep it from overflowing.
So, basically, we are more likely to experience burnout if our buckets are constantly overflowing, and we are less likely to experience burnout if we are regularly turning our taps on by engaging in self-care.
However, having said this, we should also acknowledge that self-care does not address all the causes of parental burnout – so it’s not a cure-all. So, for example, if you are feeling like you have all the responsibility for your child’s wellbeing, and are feeling really unsupported, then that’s a factor that will also to to addressed. Likewise, if your young person is struggling with their mental health, then getting them some professional support will be important
Now, I should mention that self-care is going to involve different things for different people, based on their own needs and, also, their likes and dislikes. So, for example, if you hate cooking and find it a chore, then it’s not going to be a good way for you to turn your tap on – but if you love cooking and you find it relaxing, then it might be a great form of self-care for you.
R. I love the bucket and tap analogy. This is the best description I’ve heard. It’s a great mental image and a tool for slowing down and contemplating. Thank you. And thank you for mentioning that support for yourself or your young person is important.
Q7. What are some simple suggestions for parents and carers of teens to improve their self care?
F. Ok, well, tip number 1 is: “schedule - schedule some time into your day for your self-care”. And the reason for this is so that you don’t have to think about it - it’s there in your diary. Because, when you do have to think about it your mind is more likely to say things like ‘‘maybe later’, ‘I don’t feel like it right now’, ‘I’ll just do this first’. So tip number 1 is “schedule the time, and give yourself permission to prioritise yourself”.
My second tip is “think about what your own particular needs are, and how you might be able to meet them”. So, thinking about what would turn your tap on. Have you perhaps stopped doing things you used to enjoy? If you have, then maybe it could be helpful for you to start doing some of those things again. Or have you been feeling isolated… cut off… lonely? If that’s the case, then doing something that involves social connection might be helpful. Have you been feeling unstimulated – a bit unfulfilled -bored - then maybe taking up a new interest or joining a class, or something like that, might be helpful. Or perhaps you realise that you’ve been coping in some unhealthy ways – for example, using alchohol to reduce your stress - and that it might be good to cut back – or to reach out and get some support to help you with this?
Tip 3 is: Engage, each day, in least one activity that we know is effective in reducing the physical effects of stress. So, some activities that we know are effective are: exercise (and this can be as simple as taking a walk around the block), mindfulness (this involves focusing on the present moment and noticing your experience through connecting with your 5 senses…. ), meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, and various breathing techniques (Fay conducts breathing exercise). Now there are lots of online courses and youtube videos that can help you to learn some of these skills, and I think that there are resources and links to some of these on the EPIC website… is that right Roberta?
Tip 4: set boundaries for yourself about what you are and are not willing to do – this is so important and something that I think a lot of us struggle with – especially when we think that we have to meet everyone else’s needs to be a good person, mother, father, …. So don’t say ‘yes’ to everything – try to know your limits – and try to delegate things that other people can take care of.
Tip 5: figure out what’s inside your control and what is outside your control and decide to let go of anything that you can’t do anything about. This is another important one because worrying about things that we don’t actually have any influence over is a common source of stress.
And my final tip: take a break if you need it. If you notice that your stress levels are rising –maybe you could take a 5 mins walk around the block – or listen to your favourite music – or maybe dance like a manic for a few minutes to get the stress out of your system. If a disagreement is starting to escalate, then let the other person know that you need to take a break to calm down. It’s really important to know that it’s ok to take some time out.
So those are my 6 tips: schedule time for self-care, think about what your needs are and how you can meet them, spend some time each day doing something that helps reduce the physical effects of stress, know your limits and say no to requests that are likely to push you over the edge, let go of what you have no control over, and take a break when you need to.
M. Thank goodness this will be transcribed!! I started taking notes. Fay you have shared brilliant information. Thank you. By validating what is happening physically and emotionally, providing strategies for addressing the consequences of stress and acknowledging that support is important is, I feel, the pathway to best supporting our families and ourselves.
Thank you Fay for raising awareness around burnout and sharing some important selfcare tips with our listeners. As parents with lived experience of burnout, we understand how important it is for parents and carers to put their oxygen mask on first.
A moment of gratitude! My time spent with EPIC has created wonderful awareness of the awesome people in our community that go over above and beyond their ‘job description’. Fay you are the cream of the crop! Thank you for your dedication to community and commitment to Lifeline Harbour to Hawkesbury.
And, remember, if you need to contact Lifeline you can contact them 24 hours a day 7 days a week by calling 13 11 14, texting 0477 13 11 14, or going to the website to chat
For information on Paced Breathing for Relaxation CLICK HERE
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